Dear Professor

Highlights from the College Teaching Trenches

I have been teaching for 26 years. The following are not the words of any single student; they are the exaggerations of many, many over the years. Enjoy!

Dear Professor:

I know you said that the poem is about a duke who kills his wife because she is nice to everyone same as him and he gets crazy jealous, but I think it's about a giant squid who has turned into a superhero and is protecting the world from another giant squid who turned into a nemesis and is eating small children for breakfast. I mean, check out that "Neptune ...taming a seahorse" reference. That's so totally about the giant squid, whose name is obviously Neptune. Why is your interpretation any better than mine?

Your Student

Dear Professor:

I'm having some trouble with my paper. I know that in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, the protagonist has a drinking problem that always makes him drink, and Maggie has a cattiness problem that always makes her catty, while Mae has a lying problem that always causes her to lie. I just can't figure out how to turn all that into a thesis.

Your Student

Hi Professor:

So for the upcoming paper on ethics in the novel, can I use The Ten Amendments as my ethical system? I think they're pretty straightforward and I could explain them easily.

Thanks, Your Student

Dear Professor:

I know that I didn't have a thesis statement, that some of my source material might have been taken from AI and was thus, well, not really from the book at all or even accurate, that I didn't cite anything, that the paper was late, that I wrote the whole paper in one long paragraph, that I had a lot of run-ons and fragments, that I forgot to put quotes around all the quoted material from the text, that I used first and second person pronouns when you said that we should use only third, that I answered all the questions instead of just one, that I didn't attach a works cited page, that I had no introduction or conclusion, and that it was only one page instead of four, but can you please explain why I failed the assignment?

Also, I know that tomorrow is the beginning of finals, but can I have a week to revise it?

Your Student

Dear Professor:

So sure I looked up the book online to see if there was anything on the question you were asking us and I found a source or two for my paper that I didn't put on my works cited page but I just glanced at them and anyway I put all that stuff into my own words. I don't understand why you're failing me for plagiarism. It was, like, only a half page.

Your Student

Dear Professor:

I submitted my assignment on time on Blackboard, but it says I didn't submit it. Can you check for me to be sure it's there?

Dear Professor:

I submitted my assignment on Blackboard, but then you said it was in the wrong format. Can you delete it so I can resubmit it? PDF, right?

Dear Student: As it says on the syllabus, a Word doc.

Dear Professor:

I submitted my assignment on Blackboard, but it was last week's assignment. Oops. Can you delete it so I can resubmit it?

Dear Professor:

I submitted my assignment on Blackboard, but by mistake I submitted the assignment itself rather than my own work. Can you delete it so I can resubmit it?

Dear Professor:

You deleted my assignment on Blackboard, but I didn't keep a copy of it; can you undelete it and send it to me so I can resubmit it?

Wednesday, 12 noon

Dear Student: Please send me your thesis and paragraph ASAP. It was due last night at midnight.

Wednesday 12 Midnight

Dear Professor: I'm so sorry. I will get it in right away.

Saturday, 12 Noon

Dear Student: Forget the thesis and paragraph. For your final exam, please define "right away."

Dear Professor:

I know you’ve said all semester that we have to go to a literary event that takes place at the local library. I know you said that there were three dates and that we could choose whichever fit our schedule best, and that if we had a problem we should talk to you early in the semester about an alternative. I know that tomorrow is the final exam. Is there any chance there’s an alternative to this assignment that I can do? I’ll have it in next week, for sure.

Your Student

Please answer the following question as part of your final essay:

What one thing will you take away/remember from this course?

The thing I would take away from this course is the super high word counts on the discussion board.

I will remember the things I wrote down since I have them all in a file on my laptop.

Dear Professor: When is the final exam due?

Dear Student: Today, at noon.

Dear Professor: At what time exactly?

Dear Student: Um, noon.

Happy New Year, everyone!

You can find me on Instagram and Facebook, and at my website. I’d love to hear your teaching stories. Leave a comment below.